Calling in starts with the self. A person has to be in the right emotional space to be able to call others in. For example, trauma survivors who have not adequately worked through their pain may not be able to call others in – yet. Someone who wants to try calling in should be able to first look inside and maintain their own curiosity about the person as well as approach the person as though they are good or have good intentions.

“Calling in depends on the rigorous practice of self-reflection and critical thinking. I wanted to learn how to practice empathetic accountability. Developing emotional and intellectual fitness requires entertaining contradictory thoughts at the same time, so that I can question my assumptions and generously consider other viewpoints—although remember that consideration is not necessarily agreement.”

And while calling in is about love, it’s not about skirting accountability. Rather, it’s about not putting into the world reactivity, negativity, defensiveness, or hostility.

“Another way to understand calling in is as ‘accountability culture’ or ‘survivors’ justice.’ It’s not about feeling sorry for wrongdoers but about recognizing their humanity, in the same way we protect the humanity of victims. It’s about engaging in constructive—not destructive—conflict with each other. It’s about learning together to be less judgmental, more generous, more collaborative, and more appreciative of nuance and ambiguity.”

“We can hold people accountable using love, forgiveness, and respect, giving people room to grow—because they may be capable of changing. We can say what we mean and mean what we say, but we don’t have to say it mean. That’s a choice.”

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